Difficult and Better Conversations

How often have we been in the midst of a conversation and we sensed it wasn’t going too well? Typically for me, after having a less than successful conversation, I think about what could have been said differently. Or I wonder why emotions played a strong role and how the feelings that arose altered the course of the results.

How can we learn to get better results with particular regard to what we know in advance will be difficult conversations? Through understanding some of the dynamics of the communication we can absolutely improve our results to be more effective and leave others and ourselves with fewer feelings of regrets for taking a wrong course.

An approach to this learning means we have to act as our own consultant. Realize that there are always at least two frames of reference for your behavior. First is what you are actually doing. Second is what you think about while you are doing it.

It’s the second part that needs attention so we can gain improvement. There is no magic bullet for avoiding the discomfort that accompanies a difficult conversation. It is never easy for me to fire an associate unless there has been obviously illegal behavior. Telling a vendor they will be losing your business is not fun. The goal would be to reduce, but not eliminate, anxiety and fear. No matter how you phrase it some damage will be caused. We need to focus on ways to make the experience more productive and less stressful. The object is both deliver the message and turn the difficult conversation into a learning experience.

This concept was advanced in the book, Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton and Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project. A few years prior to this work, the same organization wrote, Getting to Yes, which is the basis for understanding and achieving the benefits of the “win-win” negotiation strategy. Every conversation actually has three parts. We need to decode what is said versus what is not said and realize that there’s a difference between what is said and what is meant.

There’s the “what happened” conversation where a difficult conversation involves disagreement about what has or should have happened. Who said what? Who’s right and who’s to blame. There’s a struggle to determine who is right and who is wrong. Second is the “feelings conversation” which asks and answers the question about hurt and anger. You can’t ignore the feelings. Difficult conversations don’t just involve feelings; they are at the very core about feelings. Finally, there is the “identity conversation” which addresses what the situation means to us. How do we see and feel about ourselves, what are our self-doubts and what impact will this conversation have on our future?

Realize that while you are having the conversation, these thoughts are occurring simultaneously in the minds of both people. That’s a lot to handle. No wonder that often things go awry and intentions are misunderstood.

But the first step to any change is awareness of the current reality. As one of his seven principles of highly effective people, Steven Covey talks about first understanding others before you are understood. This is an excellent guideline in working toward the benefits of a learning conversation. Instead of wanting to persuade others to achieve only your agenda, try first understanding what’s going on in the life and mind of the other person. Ask about their point of view and paraphrase what they say to test and confirm your understanding. Then you’ll be in a better position to share your point of view, understand the feelings involved and assure a better opportunity for a more positive solution. By showing you care and understand the other, you actually increase your chances of being more persuasive. My mentor, Jim Rohn, once said that “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Focus on other attributes of a learning conversation. Take some time to explore each other’s stories. Do you know the history involved? What is their actual experience and education level? Are there pervading family, health or financial issues? Ask and understand the potential impact of the results of the conversation. What will this mean to you and the other person? How can potentially damaging results be mitigated? You may be able to offer help in ways that will achieve your purpose and not be too costly or cause undue disruption to your plans. You won’t know until you probe and test your understanding.

Be comfortable to address the fact that feelings are always involved. Confess first how you feel and that you may have anxiety about uncertainty or risk. This may put the other person at ease so they can open up to you allowing for areas of mutually beneficial collaboration. You would be building a trust factor before you attempt to get to the problem-solving phase. Have you noticed how much more gets accomplished more quickly between people when there is a high level of trust and credibility?

Accept the fact that your self-image is complex and so is that of the other person. By understanding and accepting the existence of identity issues and possible threats to each of you, you may work to strengthen self-esteem. This should help to reduce unnecessary defensiveness. When you over react to a situation you may want to think for a minute about why you are reacting in such a manner. What nerve was touched? Do you have an unresolved issue or insecurity that you need to examine?

Try to avoid escalating emotions and turning the difficult conversation into an argument. Arguing limits our ability to understand the other’s viewpoints and feelings and will limit our ability to make changes and improvements. Instead, adopt the “And Stance.” Listen for how many times we use the word “but.” Typically everything preceding the “but” will be worthless. Try using “and” to be understanding and inclusive. For example, “I have some concerns about your performance recently and I understand that you are going through some difficult times.” You don’t have to choose between whose story is right. Further you will allow recognition that each of you has valid points and have feelings to be acknowledged. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other’s story and it doesn’t diminish your power.

Learn from the research to make improvements in your interpersonal communications. The changes in behavior you adopt will enhance your desired results and create more positive feelings in both people in the conversation.

Joseph Greco is president of Greco Apparel. Visit them on the web at www.grecoapparel.com